How To Go To The Austin Critic’s Table Awards
by Lee Eddy, Age 28
Published by lee //
June 6th, 2006 in The Outside World
First, gather with a group of friends before you go to Capitol City Comedy Club. I recommend a house with a couch. Maybe a bar with some stools. Perhaps a restaurant with a patio seating area. Where ever you choose, make sure that there’s some place to sit because you need to warm up those sitting muscles. Particularly the ass part.
Heck, while you’re sitting with your friends, you should drink some beverages. Is there beer around? Maybe a margarita? Remember, there will be theater people there and, as we learned in the last post, theater people like to drink- especially when they go to award-like ceremonies. If you want to blend in comfortably with these theater types, have a beer before you go. Or dab some behind your ears and on pulse points. This way, you’ll smell a little like a theater type and no one will be the wiser.
Okay. Now look at your watch. The event it supposed to start at 7:00 PM. It’s now 7:06PM and you are on the south side of Austin while the Austin Critic’s Table Awards are way up north. Hm. Maybe if you get your friends to follow you, you’ll get there faster, because the kinetic energy that’s created by all the potential energy will certainly cause you to arrive at the club in a timely manner. Right?
No. That’s very wrong. In fact, waiting for all of your friends to follow you will actually take longer.
You arrive at 7:30 PM. You park in the parking lot behind the club despite the warnings of signs that say you will be towed if you park there. You’re such the bad ass.
Walk into the club. Hey, now… would you look at that? You know the bartender! Why, this is a wonderful coincidence. Oh and would you look at that… you get a discount for being friends with the bartender. Well, that will come in handy later.
Oh. Oh wow, it’s packed. They’re doing the inductions into the hall of fame. Hm. Perhaps you can step into the lobby and have a burger and maybe a discounted drink and wait for some tables to clear up. What a grand idea. And while you’re at it you can talk and flirt and hug and talk and say hello and just schmooze with the theater types. What fun! And what a delicious burger, to boot!
Ah. Your plan worked out great- tables have cleared up and you can sit with your friends in a comfortable fashion. Huzzah. Better get a drink from your friendly bartender and take a seat.
Wow. There’s a bunch of talking at these award shows. Not that that’s a bad thing. You are there to celebrate the arts and sometimes celebration requires some talking. Why not let your friend buy you a drink? They offered, you don’t usually accept charity, but what the hey? You’re celebrating.
Oh wow. Friends are winning awards. That’s great! They’re so talented. You should buy them a drink. And why not get won for yourself.
******TIME PASSES******
Jeez louise… whens they gunna gets to your catergory? Friends are going and coming. Winning and losing. Going and coming. Phweww. Was this? Oh. Schomeone sent you anudder drink. Well. Never said I refused a free drink.
Better give your keys to your soberish friend. That’s a schmart cookie.
Wazzat? Dids someones says your name? Whoa. Someones dids says you name? Who wazzat? The pershon on schtage? OMG! You WON something.
Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Quick. Schob- Sober up. Act cool. Act nice. Act like you are not drunk.
“The thing that sucks about these award shows is that bythe time they get to you category you’re already drunk.” Oh. Oh. No. Don’t say that. They’ll know that you are intoxicated.
I know… do a little dance to distract them from you just admitting that you’re a little drunk.
NO! WAIT! BAD IDEA! THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHAT- too late.
Oh no. Just stop. Stop while you’re ahead. Plug the show’s you’re in and get the hell off stage before you make a bigger fool of yourself. Note to self: perhaps write down dates of shows you’re in before announcing incorrect dates to masses of people.
That note will come in handy. Note to self: do this next time as this time you have no note.
Well. Great. Great great great. You won. You can sit down now. Oh, what’s this? Someone sent over a congratulatory shot? Why the hell not.
Time to go. Let your soberish friend take you to your home and pass out on top of your now crumpled certificate. Wake up in the night and drink glass loads of water and pop some Advil. Heavens to Betsy. Did you really get into a fight with a Rude Mech? Oh. Oh no. You did. You should call her and make sure that she is okay.
Download Billy Joel’s BIG SHOT and listen to it on loop at work the next day.
You had to be a Big Shot, dinja?
Congrats! Also, which Rude did you get into a fight with? What the hell?!?!?!
Thanks. It was Lana. After the nominations came out, I had proposed to her and the other ladies in the same category that we all get together and stage a sort of Dynasty-esque/Dallas-ish fist fight/throwing glasses/hair pullling cat fight on stage when the winner was announced. Apparently I was the only one that thought this would be fun. Apparently we somehow were talking about this after the awards and I went a little too far. (See. If we had rehearsed- I would have known the power of my own strength.) I knocked her head pretty hard on the stucco wall of the club and felt incredibly guilty about it for the next 8 hours.
You’re a king-sized boob.
Man. I definitely shoulda had as many drinks as you.
Hooray!
Hey - I got a good shot in. Don’t you still feel that chunk of flesh missing from your inner thigh? I’m little, but I’m scrappy. And if you had Advil, yo, why didn’t you give me any??? Best part was the song I got in return for the lump on the top of my head. Ya got class Eddy.
Lana- you totally got an awesome shot in. I have a hug fucking bruise on my inner thigh that makes crack whores step back and say “DAAAAAAMN.” Seriously. You’ve got that self-defense stuff down. Glad you like the song. It’s the least I can do.